So, today I attended my first class for my research course.  I must admit honestly that as OCD as I am, I don't like the thought of having to crunch numbers and compare, compare, contrast, contrast, find the missing link.  I think it will drive me crazy.  Also, as much as I would like to get my Ph.D., the thought of the dissertation scares the crap out of me!  Having said all of that, I enjoyed today's class.  Of course, that may be related to the fact that I am still on the outskirts of the true agenda, but at least I am being optimistic.

On a different topic, I am still working out on the treadmill almost everyday.  I feel so much better and I know I am creating healthy habits.

This is one of those time periods where everything seems to be aligned against me.  I know that people are talking about me, which my true friends tell me is nothing more than jealousy.  However, I don't see it that way.  There is absolutely no reason for anyone to be jealous of me.  I am in my own way fighting my own battles, so I see no reason for anyone to want to join! I am going to look at the positive and claim a future full of blessings with my main goals set.  The good Lord knows my heart and will help me in my journey.  He is the faithful friend that I need to turn to in times of need.  I shouldn't put my trust in any man because that will just cause more problems than needed.  I am looking to tomorrow for all its blessings!

You would think that as adults in the workplace that the drama would end.  I must admit that I am not completely innocent in the whole situation, but I am participating as a defense in this situation.  Why must there always be a clique?  Sometimes it feels like high school with the immaturity that exudes from the sarcastic comments to the better-than-know-more-than-you jabs.  I know that this is not how I should feel.  I feel hurt, angry, guilty and overwhelmed by the comments that have been made in just a short amount of time.

This issue has caused me to reflect on my decisions, even those from years ago.  Funny thing about it is that I spend my days and nights working at a job that I never thought I would have.  I had pictured a life extremely different that what I am living.  I was at one time so outgoing and carefree and now I feel restricted and bound to the life that I have.  Now, my only choice is to reflect and make a conscious effort to find parts of that person that I have hid and show the creativity that I had.  The truth is that I wanted (and still do) to be a writer.  Do I still have this talent within me?  I suppose I could look at this as a challenge to take the bold step and find out the answer to that question. 

I usually love to write.  It's something that helps me relieve stress or subcome to the fictional reality of my daydreams.  However, having to write so many critiques, research papers and reflections is beginning to drain my creativity.  As if to add to my dismay, I write so much more clearly at night, which interferes with my beauty sleep. :) I understand that there is a required amount of work for each subject, but this 20-25 page research paper may be the most ridiculous waste of time that I have even have the unfortunate privilege to be assigned.  The topic does not justify that much of my time spent typing and recalling numerous details.  Now add to the fact that there are at least twenty of us in the class with many other assignments besides this paper, and I conjure that she will not even read it.  So, this has been my mini-break to vent my frustrations and distaste for my academic journey thus far.  Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to shed a more hopeful light on the subject.

So today was a usual Saturday spent working in the yard this morning.  I should have known that cutting the grass would bring on the rain.  However, it made it feel so much more pleasant outside.  While cutting the grass I kinda felt bad for the dragonflies.  They love to land on the tall grass and stay for a while, and I was taking that away from them.  I only felt bad for a few seconds because then I remembered that the grass will back by Tuesday at the latest!  Anyhow, I found a dragonfly on one of my hydrangeas and decided to snap a pic.  He was very cooperative and hardly moved. If only everything would be that easy!

I actually sat on the porch reading this afternoon.  Of course at one point, I was completly annoyed at my professor who wants an assignment for certain chapters.  Yet the chapters don't even pertain to the topic.  Okay...rambling....for the fourth we always grill and it's so good.  We will be eating on this food for days and I will have to monitor myself.  I don't want to gain back the weight that I have lost.